This is my big ol’ fat revelation as of late. It’s been 8 months since I’ve penned a blog post and so much has happened, not to the Lodge, but in it. We’ve welcomed for the last time and said our final good byes to three lovely family members and this has left a gapping hole in our hearts. I still feel as if some days I am numb to the happenings around me. How can life go on at such a rapid pace without even halting? The moment my brother in law and then only weeks later, my father, slipped through our grasp, life ceased to be as I have always known it. Time stood still, but not nearly long enough. Before I even noticed, life was rushing by at it’s normal stop for nothing pace.
Time heals, true and thankfully so. But how much time does it take? Days? Months? Years? Decades? At my dear Aunt Linda’s memorial service two months ago, her beautiful daughter, and my dear friend, recounted how her mother never did “get over” the loss of her husband years before. This struck. My heart hurt at the truth of loss. It painfully lingers, debilitates, holds one captive until a suitable time has passed. It still holds me.
I am not sure how long I will be held in this state of loss, but I guess as long as it takes. Occasionally tears still come, but it’s not this that holds me, it’s a fatigue. The normal tasks of life grow painfully difficult to accomplish. I sit, I stare, I contemplate. I heal.
It is in the process of healing that I gain hope. It comes in a revelation that I cannot continue as normal. I gave myself a few months and I should be just fine now, right? Well, that is not exactly how it’s working for me. And I have a vague idea that there are more of you out there like me. Instead of unsuccessfully going about life in my “normal”, I decide I am going to give myself permission to not go on as usual. I decide I will do more of what I love and less of what I don’t. This simple shift might be enough to help me become whole again. The pressures of doing all and being all to ones self and others around us, must give way. This is not a “buck up” season. I’ve lived many years telling myself to get it together and do hard things. I’m not there.
If you find yourself tired, unable to complete tasks with the grace you have in the past, or if you are coming up angry or void, you may need to give yourself the same permission I have given myself. Do what you enjoy, not what you don’t. Take the time neccesary to dream and plan and believe for the future, even though it looks different than you once believed. Cut out all unneccesary activities, even the “good” things. Find a “no” friend. Someone who really knows you and can safely help you decipher what you should say “no” to. I have a couple that I have given permission to help me say no, they know where I’ve been and have seen my health decline in the face of life’s stresses. They’ve got my back.
I am certain this season will pass, just as the others have, but I am not going to push it aside. It is as important as the buck up season, or the taste and see how faithful God is season. This is a God season.
If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that life is short. Why spend it toiling or striving for this or that. Running about just because we always have. For even when we are in an utter state of inactivity God gives to us. It is here, we find wholeness and healing.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.